Power Trip

It was suggested to me to maybe stop following him on social media for a while.  I knew it was a brilliant idea but it gave me pause.  We agreed to still follow each other when we split - I think to keep us honest (?) but I'm not sure.  

I was hesitant to consider not following him because that was the last tenuous connection that I have to him.  It's the place where I can go and see his filtered state of mind.  Yes, I know that social media lets you only present the face that you want to present but I know him.  I know better.  I can see through the bullshit.  

I will one hundred percent admit that I got off on seeing him struggle.  It helped me realize a few things about him and about me that have been very helpful.  

I want to see him struggle.  I want to see him wrestle with this decision that he made.  I want to see that it eats at him.  It's only fair.  

And I know that makes me a horrible person and I think I'm OK with that.  

It started to fuck with my head a little bit.  So, first I stayed away from FB for about 10 days.  Then I broke down and snoozed him for 30 days.  

It's actually helped.  

That's when I realized that by being so invested in what he's doing, how he's feeling has given him power over me.  Power that he has no right having.  By letting him affect my emotions, I was unfairly interfering in my healing process.  

He craves attention.  At least right now he does.  He's not getting the validation or attention from me any longer.  With this whole pandemic/stay at home thing, he's not getting in person validation from any one than Joker and Mommy so he posts stupid shit online.   (Maybe The Professor pay him a little attention but I think he's got his hands full these days.)  

Once I convinced myself and understood that he no longer deserves to have any sort of power over me, I have felt so much better.  I think that most of last weeks emotional roller coaster had to do with raging hormones because I've felt really strong since Tuesday.  Like disconcertingly strong.  

I even saw him Thursday night and I didn't have a breakdown.  I hope that he didn't notice that a lot of my laughter was a bit forced.  But - fake it til you make it, right?  

Hurt in private

Heal in Silence

Shine in Public.  

That's my new motto.   I've only let a few see me truly hurting.  Most of my healing has been done in silence.  Especially right now.  I hope when things open up, I can shine in public.    

 

Just like starting over

I will mention this many times over, so I apologize for the repetition but I really can't believe that I'm here again.  

To be honest, I'm really not all that surprised but I am.  

Today is probably the best I've felt in 3 1/2 months.  I know it's just a temporary scab and something will come along and rip it off soon enough but I will enjoy feeling good while it lasts.  

I've looked back over all the notes and snippets that I've written during the duration of our relationship and I see a pattern.  I really only wrote when he was pissed at me.  There was a pattern to the cycle and it wasn't healthy.  What he did to me wasn't right and it does border on abuse.  
He was a master at Emotional Manipulation.  He would get pissed at me for something really stupid and ridiculous.  He would then completely shut down.  I would be ignored and pretty much all attention would be withheld to varying degrees.  
In the beginning, this would bother me quite a lot and I would usually cave within a day or two.  
Once I realized that caving was what he was looking for, I stopped letting it bother me as much.  It didn't always work but at least I was aware of what I was in for.   I got better at disguising the pain.  
Until the end of my days, I will never forget the stomach churning anxiety that he caused.  The lack of sleep because I was so worked up over the emotional withholding.  The hours spent at work where I was a mess and couldn't concentrate on my job.  God Damn that was so unhealthy. 
The times that I got pissed in response to his antics, he would turn the tables and want to know why I was mad.  (Giving me the impression that I had no reason to be mad or upset or anything)       
Looking back, it is all so clear to me now.  But, love is blind whore with no sense of decency.  

He's the one who left me.  He's the one who felt that what we had wasn't worth the effort to fix.  I wasn't worth putting forth the effort to fix.  
He was supposed to be my forever.  The one I grew old with.  He was safe.  He presented himself as a good person.  I got comfortable and complacent.  
But, no matter what he says, I know deep down that this isn't all my fault.     

Back in the saddle...

Good grief, I forgot all about this old thing!  Hi there!

I did have a good laugh when I read my last post from a year ago.  Wow.  Obviously, my fears were completely unfounded but it was still a trip to go back an relive that again.

Things are good.  Things are better than good but I don't want to sound like I'm bragging.  I just never knew that it was possible to be so freaking happy that it makes other people want to puke.

I am stressed out about Christmas.  All the over commercialization just really gets to me.  It makes me feel inferior because I am not jumping up and down over the latest sale on what is being described as this year's big thing.  I hate crowds - especially Christmas Shoppers.  Does the world really need more stuff?

For the most part, it's going to be another Homemade Crafty Christmas.  Believe me, I like that a lot better. It shows thought and meaning.

I will update the past year later on.  I do have to get back to crafting.  I seem to have lost an hour rereading really old blog posts that made me laugh and cringe at the same time.  Yikes.

Sometime around midnight...

I know that I am more than likely making a mountain out of a molehill but there has to be a reason why I am feeling this way. I would love to wake up tomorrow and find out that there are no problems and everything is just fine. Just being left to my own thoughts tonight is not the best thing for me.

Something is going on. Things have been a little hinky since we moved in. It's really been apparent to me this latest run. He's been even more distant over the phone, his temper has been a little shorter and we actually had our first disagreement. Actually that was more of me having a breakdown and him getting pretty short with me. But still, it has been different between us and I don't like it one bit.

Tonight was the first time in over a year that we didn't talk on the phone at least once. I got a text from him around 9-ish saying that he had a shitty day and was going to bed. I replied that if he wanted to unload or vent to give me a call. No response.

I curled up on the couch and watched my shows and then my brain starting going off on tangents. I am so worked up right now that I feel like I'm going to throw up. I need to talk to someone and the one person that I know would still be awake is Spitz. Sent him a text and he's got a friend over. Of course I immediately think that he's avoiding me and he knows something about me and SC. His loyalty would obviously be with SC and I wouldn't hold that against him.

I have turned into that clingy, whiny little girl that I detest. What has happened to me? He's a little distant and doesn't call me one night and I immediately assume the worst? I need to get back into fucking therapy because it isn't all about me!! When did I turn into this selfish bitch that thinks the world revolves around her? That isn't me!

If SC had ANY doubts or concerns about us getting this house together, he would've voiced them and not let it get this far.

If I did something to upset him, he isn't going to kick me out. Damn you JD for doing this to me! I hate what you have done to me. I can't believe that the first thing I worry about is being asked to move out. I have too much invested in this relationship to let your old tricks work on me. I am a better person than that and you know it.

Hard for me to say I'm sorry

Dear Frankie,

I'm sorry. Yes, that's a vague statement, but I think you know what I'm referring to.

This letter has been a long time coming but you have to understand that everything happened so quickly between us. Yes, you did help me in rediscovering myself but there was still an awful lot of discovering left to do. I think you knew that, and knew a whole lot more about me than I ever gave you credit for.

Thank you for being there when I needed you. You should've been there a lot more but I'm at least grateful for the way things turned out. It took some time to get to this point, but it doesn't hurt as bad when I think about how things so abruptly ended.

You were never meant to be in my life very long, I know that now. I only realized that about 6 weeks ago. That epiphany came out of nowhere and hit me like a lightning bolt. I wanted you to be more than you were supposed to be and I think that doomed us. I didn't want to admit to myself, especially after denying it for so long, but you really were my life ring. I tried not to use you as such but that is what it boiled down to. You were my soft landing, you were the one to make me feel better and to help me readjust myself to this wonderful new life. I hate to use "rebound" so instead I'll refer to you as my transition. You helped me out so much and for that, I will never forget you. (SC thanks you, too, but that's more for his own reasons)

I do still think about you from time to time. I'll drive by places we had experiences together and I smile. I don't long for those experiences but I smile because they are a part of me, a part of my life and a part of who I am today.

Not as a shot on you in any way but I dually laugh and cringe when I think about the day I told you that I was falling in love with you. I laugh because I now know how untrue that statement was. I don't know exactly what I was feeling for you at the time or felt for you, but I highly doubt it was truly love. It can probably be more aptly described as profound gratitude towards this person who was there for me when I needed him.
I cringe because I understand that I was looking for something, anything to hold on to. I still was in the mindset that I needed some sort of established, agreed upon committment to feel whole or to feel needed. I'm sorry that I did that to you and I understand why you ran.

I don't need that book anymore. I haven't touched it in months but I haven't decided on whether or not to keep it quite yet. I guess you'll know the answer to that if it shows up in the mail one day. I absolutely meant what I said about not wanting to experience that unless it was with you. Without you, I have no desire to further explore that side of me. I know it's there and I know how to deal with it but it isn't something that I conciously think about all the time.
I don't have to worry about falling into a particular role with SC, I can just be who I am and that person is appreciated, adored, admired and loved for just that. We look at each other as equals and things are wonderful. Plus, while the physical side of our relationship is intense, it isn't the end all-be all of things. We know how to just be around each other and enjoy the company of one another. It's nice and a refreshing change.

I enjoyed the brief experience of you in my life. Thank you. I will never forget you and I hope life treats you kind. Stop working your life away and take a fucking vacation once in a while. You'd be amazed at what it can do for the soul.

Until the kitchen sinks,
Me

Same Girl, New Songs

You may know me, you may not. The names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty.
I live a fairly mundane life, but I am in control (mostly) of my own destiny and it is a good place to be.
Considering everything that is "not right" with my life right now (divorced, living at my parents, unemployed...) I really cannot complain too awful much. Matter of fact, I am the happiest I have been in a long time.
There are a lot of little reasons for that happiness and they all add up to create something wonderful, amazing and unbelieveable.
Yes, there is someone 'new' in my life and while he does most definitely put a smile on my face, that relationship isn't the end all-be all of my existence. I've come to understand what it means to really "take care of #1 and everything else will fall into place."
It's like I'm looking at things through new eyes these past few months. The colors are brighter and crisper than I remember. I find myself taking pleasure in the smallest little things and having that glow last for hours and hours: drinking my morning coffee on the patio as the sun comes up around the house, a walk through the wooded area near the pond, sitting in the greass with a good book and glass of iced tea, sitting down to dinner every night and talking about the events of the day and just the overall good feeling that comes from doing something that makes me feel good.

I get it now. It's not a fairy-tale or something that only happens to other people. I don't know why this is so different that anything I have ever experienced in my life but it's definitely a good thing. Chalk it up to age, experience (or lack thereof) being in the right place at the right time or just Mr. & Mrs. Fate shining that light on me but I could find myself getting used to this.