Hard for me to say I'm sorry

Dear Frankie,

I'm sorry. Yes, that's a vague statement, but I think you know what I'm referring to.

This letter has been a long time coming but you have to understand that everything happened so quickly between us. Yes, you did help me in rediscovering myself but there was still an awful lot of discovering left to do. I think you knew that, and knew a whole lot more about me than I ever gave you credit for.

Thank you for being there when I needed you. You should've been there a lot more but I'm at least grateful for the way things turned out. It took some time to get to this point, but it doesn't hurt as bad when I think about how things so abruptly ended.

You were never meant to be in my life very long, I know that now. I only realized that about 6 weeks ago. That epiphany came out of nowhere and hit me like a lightning bolt. I wanted you to be more than you were supposed to be and I think that doomed us. I didn't want to admit to myself, especially after denying it for so long, but you really were my life ring. I tried not to use you as such but that is what it boiled down to. You were my soft landing, you were the one to make me feel better and to help me readjust myself to this wonderful new life. I hate to use "rebound" so instead I'll refer to you as my transition. You helped me out so much and for that, I will never forget you. (SC thanks you, too, but that's more for his own reasons)

I do still think about you from time to time. I'll drive by places we had experiences together and I smile. I don't long for those experiences but I smile because they are a part of me, a part of my life and a part of who I am today.

Not as a shot on you in any way but I dually laugh and cringe when I think about the day I told you that I was falling in love with you. I laugh because I now know how untrue that statement was. I don't know exactly what I was feeling for you at the time or felt for you, but I highly doubt it was truly love. It can probably be more aptly described as profound gratitude towards this person who was there for me when I needed him.
I cringe because I understand that I was looking for something, anything to hold on to. I still was in the mindset that I needed some sort of established, agreed upon committment to feel whole or to feel needed. I'm sorry that I did that to you and I understand why you ran.

I don't need that book anymore. I haven't touched it in months but I haven't decided on whether or not to keep it quite yet. I guess you'll know the answer to that if it shows up in the mail one day. I absolutely meant what I said about not wanting to experience that unless it was with you. Without you, I have no desire to further explore that side of me. I know it's there and I know how to deal with it but it isn't something that I conciously think about all the time.
I don't have to worry about falling into a particular role with SC, I can just be who I am and that person is appreciated, adored, admired and loved for just that. We look at each other as equals and things are wonderful. Plus, while the physical side of our relationship is intense, it isn't the end all-be all of things. We know how to just be around each other and enjoy the company of one another. It's nice and a refreshing change.

I enjoyed the brief experience of you in my life. Thank you. I will never forget you and I hope life treats you kind. Stop working your life away and take a fucking vacation once in a while. You'd be amazed at what it can do for the soul.

Until the kitchen sinks,
Me

Same Girl, New Songs

You may know me, you may not. The names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty.
I live a fairly mundane life, but I am in control (mostly) of my own destiny and it is a good place to be.
Considering everything that is "not right" with my life right now (divorced, living at my parents, unemployed...) I really cannot complain too awful much. Matter of fact, I am the happiest I have been in a long time.
There are a lot of little reasons for that happiness and they all add up to create something wonderful, amazing and unbelieveable.
Yes, there is someone 'new' in my life and while he does most definitely put a smile on my face, that relationship isn't the end all-be all of my existence. I've come to understand what it means to really "take care of #1 and everything else will fall into place."
It's like I'm looking at things through new eyes these past few months. The colors are brighter and crisper than I remember. I find myself taking pleasure in the smallest little things and having that glow last for hours and hours: drinking my morning coffee on the patio as the sun comes up around the house, a walk through the wooded area near the pond, sitting in the greass with a good book and glass of iced tea, sitting down to dinner every night and talking about the events of the day and just the overall good feeling that comes from doing something that makes me feel good.

I get it now. It's not a fairy-tale or something that only happens to other people. I don't know why this is so different that anything I have ever experienced in my life but it's definitely a good thing. Chalk it up to age, experience (or lack thereof) being in the right place at the right time or just Mr. & Mrs. Fate shining that light on me but I could find myself getting used to this.