Power Trip

It was suggested to me to maybe stop following him on social media for a while.  I knew it was a brilliant idea but it gave me pause.  We agreed to still follow each other when we split - I think to keep us honest (?) but I'm not sure.  

I was hesitant to consider not following him because that was the last tenuous connection that I have to him.  It's the place where I can go and see his filtered state of mind.  Yes, I know that social media lets you only present the face that you want to present but I know him.  I know better.  I can see through the bullshit.  

I will one hundred percent admit that I got off on seeing him struggle.  It helped me realize a few things about him and about me that have been very helpful.  

I want to see him struggle.  I want to see him wrestle with this decision that he made.  I want to see that it eats at him.  It's only fair.  

And I know that makes me a horrible person and I think I'm OK with that.  

It started to fuck with my head a little bit.  So, first I stayed away from FB for about 10 days.  Then I broke down and snoozed him for 30 days.  

It's actually helped.  

That's when I realized that by being so invested in what he's doing, how he's feeling has given him power over me.  Power that he has no right having.  By letting him affect my emotions, I was unfairly interfering in my healing process.  

He craves attention.  At least right now he does.  He's not getting the validation or attention from me any longer.  With this whole pandemic/stay at home thing, he's not getting in person validation from any one than Joker and Mommy so he posts stupid shit online.   (Maybe The Professor pay him a little attention but I think he's got his hands full these days.)  

Once I convinced myself and understood that he no longer deserves to have any sort of power over me, I have felt so much better.  I think that most of last weeks emotional roller coaster had to do with raging hormones because I've felt really strong since Tuesday.  Like disconcertingly strong.  

I even saw him Thursday night and I didn't have a breakdown.  I hope that he didn't notice that a lot of my laughter was a bit forced.  But - fake it til you make it, right?  

Hurt in private

Heal in Silence

Shine in Public.  

That's my new motto.   I've only let a few see me truly hurting.  Most of my healing has been done in silence.  Especially right now.  I hope when things open up, I can shine in public.    

 

Just like starting over

I will mention this many times over, so I apologize for the repetition but I really can't believe that I'm here again.  

To be honest, I'm really not all that surprised but I am.  

Today is probably the best I've felt in 3 1/2 months.  I know it's just a temporary scab and something will come along and rip it off soon enough but I will enjoy feeling good while it lasts.  

I've looked back over all the notes and snippets that I've written during the duration of our relationship and I see a pattern.  I really only wrote when he was pissed at me.  There was a pattern to the cycle and it wasn't healthy.  What he did to me wasn't right and it does border on abuse.  
He was a master at Emotional Manipulation.  He would get pissed at me for something really stupid and ridiculous.  He would then completely shut down.  I would be ignored and pretty much all attention would be withheld to varying degrees.  
In the beginning, this would bother me quite a lot and I would usually cave within a day or two.  
Once I realized that caving was what he was looking for, I stopped letting it bother me as much.  It didn't always work but at least I was aware of what I was in for.   I got better at disguising the pain.  
Until the end of my days, I will never forget the stomach churning anxiety that he caused.  The lack of sleep because I was so worked up over the emotional withholding.  The hours spent at work where I was a mess and couldn't concentrate on my job.  God Damn that was so unhealthy. 
The times that I got pissed in response to his antics, he would turn the tables and want to know why I was mad.  (Giving me the impression that I had no reason to be mad or upset or anything)       
Looking back, it is all so clear to me now.  But, love is blind whore with no sense of decency.  

He's the one who left me.  He's the one who felt that what we had wasn't worth the effort to fix.  I wasn't worth putting forth the effort to fix.  
He was supposed to be my forever.  The one I grew old with.  He was safe.  He presented himself as a good person.  I got comfortable and complacent.  
But, no matter what he says, I know deep down that this isn't all my fault.