Power Trip

It was suggested to me to maybe stop following him on social media for a while.  I knew it was a brilliant idea but it gave me pause.  We agreed to still follow each other when we split - I think to keep us honest (?) but I'm not sure.  

I was hesitant to consider not following him because that was the last tenuous connection that I have to him.  It's the place where I can go and see his filtered state of mind.  Yes, I know that social media lets you only present the face that you want to present but I know him.  I know better.  I can see through the bullshit.  

I will one hundred percent admit that I got off on seeing him struggle.  It helped me realize a few things about him and about me that have been very helpful.  

I want to see him struggle.  I want to see him wrestle with this decision that he made.  I want to see that it eats at him.  It's only fair.  

And I know that makes me a horrible person and I think I'm OK with that.  

It started to fuck with my head a little bit.  So, first I stayed away from FB for about 10 days.  Then I broke down and snoozed him for 30 days.  

It's actually helped.  

That's when I realized that by being so invested in what he's doing, how he's feeling has given him power over me.  Power that he has no right having.  By letting him affect my emotions, I was unfairly interfering in my healing process.  

He craves attention.  At least right now he does.  He's not getting the validation or attention from me any longer.  With this whole pandemic/stay at home thing, he's not getting in person validation from any one than Joker and Mommy so he posts stupid shit online.   (Maybe The Professor pay him a little attention but I think he's got his hands full these days.)  

Once I convinced myself and understood that he no longer deserves to have any sort of power over me, I have felt so much better.  I think that most of last weeks emotional roller coaster had to do with raging hormones because I've felt really strong since Tuesday.  Like disconcertingly strong.  

I even saw him Thursday night and I didn't have a breakdown.  I hope that he didn't notice that a lot of my laughter was a bit forced.  But - fake it til you make it, right?  

Hurt in private

Heal in Silence

Shine in Public.  

That's my new motto.   I've only let a few see me truly hurting.  Most of my healing has been done in silence.  Especially right now.  I hope when things open up, I can shine in public.